Angles

I came into work Thursday morning to learn my dear angle, Mrs. P passed away on our neighboring unit early Tuesday morning. I am heartbroken. She was my primary patient, meaning whenever she was an in-patient I took care of her. She was first admitted my second day on the unit, stayed with us for two months and then spent the last month being followed daily in our out-patient department with two other short admissions. I knew she was not doing well and would most likely not make it much longer, but seeing her two weeks ago I never would have thought it would have come so quick. I am left with so much confusion, what went wrong? Why was she not on our unit? And so much unrest from unanswered questions, did she known she was dying? Had her and her husband discussed ending treatment? Last time I took care of her I knew she was tired and did not want to continue with treatments, but I didn't talk to her about it, I didn't ask her if she wanted to go home, I didn't talk to her about the other options. I was here for a class on Tuesday and passed her husband in the hallway, I thought he saw me and then looked away, avoiding me, and knowing how emotional he is I figured she had be re-admitted and was not doing well and he didn't want to talk to me about right then, so I let him walk by. She had died only hours before, and I let him walk right by. Were her children with her when she died? Does her son know that the last thing she told me she wanted to do was go home and bake gingerbread cookies for him? Did her daughter know how much she cherished her and worried about her? Will they grow up to be as strong as their mother? Is she at peace now?

There was nothing we could have done to save her, her transplant did not engraft and her leukemia came back stronger than before. She spent nearly the last 100 days in the hospital, 3 hours away from her family and children. We thought we had one more option for her, one that is rarley sucessful and just gives most people a few more weeks or months of life, but she developed sudden complications before we were able to try. Back in September I had a bad feeling that she would not do well and asked why her children didn't vist her, she stated she didn't want them to see her in a hospital bed, weak, thin and pale. How do you tell someone that they may never make it home again? Although I do not feel responsible for her death, I feel responsible for taking Shelly and Brian's mom away. She should have been home with them.